Over the last few days, for various reasons of which I will not go into at this time, I have become completely convinced of two truths. The first is that we NEVER know what we will do or how we will react or respond when faced with situations. We can "I'll never..." or "Well, I would" all we want, especially when it comes to judging other people's responses to circumstances. But we don't know.
You know those times, before you have children, and you see the frazzled mom at the store trying desperately to deal appropriately with a misbehaving, screaming child and you think to yourself, "I would NEVER let my child act that way." Well guess what...she thought the same thing! And yet here she is, in the thick of life, not "letting" her child but dealing with the fact that her child has a free will.
And you would think, after experiencing the journey of terminal illness of a spouse, into widowhood and beyond again, that I would have learned this lesson a long time ago. And I did. I had no idea how I would handle such a dire situation. But I did handle it, because I had to. And I learned this very lesson...and then I forgot parts of the lesson. I became arrogant and thought I could say with certainty how I would or would not respond to future circumstances. And I was humbled and reminded that even I can't predict how I will handle things.
The second truth of which I am convinced may seem wildly different, but I'm going somewhere with this...hang in there with me. Meeting / knowing / encountering / believing in / seeing...whatever you want to call it...God rarely looks or feels the way we expect. It would be really great and really easy if He could just show up on our physical doorstep, knock on the door, and say, "I'm God, it's nice to meet you. I've got all this free stuff I'd like to give you that you don't have to earn or do anything other than say 'YES' because of what I've done. I love you unconditionally. Would you accept this giant check?" Kind of like a Publisher's Clearing House prize patrol...right?
But He doesn't. At least, not usually, not for most people. But it doesn't make Him any less real than the PCH people we've also probably never actually seen or met or experienced in real life. In fact, He's much more real and much closer than that. And yet, He does reveal Himself. He provides opportunities for knowing / meeting / encountering / believing in / seeing Him. But He does it in such a way that it often goes undetected, unacknowledged or chalked up to something else.
He's incredible in that He uses other people. He uses really messed up, flawed people. He uses people who absolutely KNEW how they would or wouldn't handle a situation (see where I'm going with this?) and He gives grace, mercy and love through people. He extends His ability to forgive through others. He offers supernatural peace to both an offended person and an offending person. And in that one act, extending grace to and through a person who felt they could "NEVER," He reveals Himself to them both.
I used to think I could NEVER survive being widowed. I used to think I would NEVER partake in a behavior I called sin and yet did commit. And yet, here I am, surviving beyond the unlivable, forgiven by others after doing the unthinkable, and forgiving others for their deep offenses. None of it is because of who I am. I know absolutely who I am. I'm a hot mess who makes a lot of mistakes. I'm also a forgiven hot mess. And because of His giant check of love and grace and mercy and forgiveness, because of what He has revealed of Himself through others, I am more than a hot mess. And He is just bold enough to use this particular hot mess to hopefully continue to reveal His goodness through me to others.
So, if you have ever looked at me, or at anyone else, and thought, "I could NEVER do that," I hope you see God shining out from my eyes, looking at you with love and grace and mercy. And I hope you have an "aha" moment. I hope you see that I can't either. But God in me can. And I hope you know God is in me to show HIS love to you.
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