December arrives and every time, I get a bit contemplative. I reflect back to December 1996. I was 18, finishing my first semester of college. Fresh-faced with a world full of possibility and adventure at my finger tips. New horizons to explore, not knowing what the future held or who or what I would become, but excited at my prospects. Then I met a guy...
He was a young man, full of ideas and goals, secure and confident in who he was and what he wanted. For some unknown reason, he decided he wanted me...in all my '90s baggy grunge glory! We dated and quickly fell in love. Sixteen short months later, we were married. I grew a lot being married to Nathan. I grew in my spirituality. I grew in the knowledge of who I was and what I wanted. I grew academically and in my career. I grew in my hobbies and interests. I grew in what it meant to love unconditionally, to compromise, to fight fairly. And I learned what "'til death do us part" actually means.
Ten and a half years later, once again in December, I went from being Nate's wife to being Nate's widow. He celebrated Christmas that year with Christ Himself, leaving earth for Heaven on Dec 20, 2008. December was terribly hard that year. There were some sweet and tender moments I'll never forget that brings tears of joy to my eyes. But then he was gone...
Over the next few months, I learned even more about myself and about others. I learned that you can know and love someone so much that they reshape you. I was not the same person as a thirty-year-old widow as I was a nineteen-year-old bride. Being married to Nathan changed me. Being widowed changed me yet again. I learned you can love someone without fully embracing and knowing who they've become as they transition from boy to man to husband. I learned pain and death of others brings out the best or worst, and quite often both, in people.
I always knew Nathan was a planner...sometimes an overplanner! I also knew he loved me, he wanted me to find happiness and joy and love again. I didn't ever have to wonder or doubt...we talked and he told me repeatedly, "I'm dying, you're not, don't act like you are." And I believe he conspired with God to give me a Christmas present. Now, ten years later, I'm putting up a tree with that present, my husband of more than 8 years, and our three little boys.
As we sang Joy to the World in church this morning, with Lino's arm around me, I couldn't help but get misty-eyed at the line, "Sing, all ye citizens of heaven above." I know Nate is a citizen of heaven. And I know he and Lino would have gotten along well, though they are indeed very different men. But that's okay, because I'm different too.
We all change, we evolve, we grow. I am who I am because of the time I spent with Nathan. And I am who I am because of Lino. I am well-loved and hope I have loved well. But I know one thing for certain this December, I am blessed beyond measure.