Okay, stay with me on this one... I’m going somewhere with it. I was recently told I’m a nice wife on the phone. I have to say, it gave me pause, then made me think. It’s always dangerous when I begin to think! I tend to have a runaway imagination...
Why wouldn’t I be a nice wife? After all, my husband is the person I’m supposed to love the most on the entire planet! God, husband, kids, et al. That’s the order, as I understand it. Yes, I love him the most. He is my best friend and so much more. Yes, we disagree sometimes. As a matter of fact, during that phone call, we had a minor tiff. Nothing grand, nothing angry, not even argumentative, per se.
Then I got to thinking even more... Uh oh. God said “The two shall become one.” What He didn’t say is how to make these amazingly unique, distinct, special creatures with all our different perspectives, personalities, backgrounds, experiences, communication styles, wants and needs seamlessly blend into one. There is zero question in my mind that, with all my quirks, I am a flawed version of the remarkable art God made me to be. Same with my darling husband. He sees things I don’t. He thinks thoughts I don’t. He comes up with logical conclusions and methods to achieve things I don’t. The inverse is also true.
So what does all of this have to do with gasoline and bomb squads? Easy! As my husband and I navigate our marriage, our family and our life, we are continually learning what each other’s trigger points are. There are times when I unwittingly annoy him. There are times when he unintentionally hurts my feelings. These are rarely deliberate acts or comments. Yet they can get dangerously close to sparking something in the other. We each have choices.
We have the same choice every time a proverbial match is lit. We can dig in our heels, say we did nothing wrong, become defensive, become combative or even provoke one another. In other words, we can throw gasoline onto a minute ember and watch as it explodes. Or we can apologize for our part. (This is not apologizing because it’s raining or some such nonsense. This is not about being a doormat. This is taking ownership, not only for our portion of the relationship, but ownership in protecting and nurturing and fostering the relationship as best we can.) We can be calm and thus, calming. We can choose to not belittle the other. We can choose to not take their annoyance or hurt personally, but to treat the other with a little extra respect or lovingkindness. We can become the bomb squad and diffuse the situation before it gets out of control.
As I was talking with my husband later about this, he asked the exact question I thought. Why wouldn’t I be nice? What could I possibly hope to accomplish by being rude or snarky or sarcastic or sassy? In what way would that give me the marriage and relationship I want? I mean, just from a straight up selfish place, how would it benefit me? Would it make him sweet or loving or playful and fun or even interactive with me? No! Who wants to hang out with someone who’s acting ugly towards them?
The truth is, I’m writing this as much to myself as to anyone. I forget. Sometimes, I’m gasoline. Sometimes, I just feel mean and nasty or self-righteous and unwilling to compromise or even be kind to the person I love most. But I want to be the bomb squad. I want to diffuse and prevent explosions from either of us. And he does too. So it works for us. Turns out, it’s nice to be nice. It’s nice making someone laugh and smile. It’s nice making someone feel loved and appreciated and respected. And it’s nice to be loved and considered and appreciated and respected, unconditionally, even when I forget to be the bomb squad.